Disclaimer: This is a long one!
In my last post I mentioned that I'd been having some trouble getting into the swing of things this time around. This has been bothering me for quite a while now. It's been a real internal struggle because on the one hand: I'm not a quitter. I can be passionately, stubbornly devoted to projects, people/relationships, and ideas.... as long as I deem them to be valuable, special, or important to me. And that last part is really the key here. Because on the other hand: I can also be blunt, cold, and indifferent towards things I don't care to do, and have left jobs, school, and even some people with little more than a nod goodbye. So a part of me has been saying "Nobody is FORCING you to do this. You can stop any time you want - it won't be the end of the world" and another part has been saying "You have to finish what you started. You promised yourself you would do this. Just suck it up and get to work!"
The real "Aha" moment came when a good friend of mine, Leslie (who is a personal trainer, marathon runner, figure competitor, volleyball coach, and I'm sure much much more) told me to ask myself "How badly do I want to do this competition; how dedicated am I?" And if the answers aren't "REALLY BADLY" and "110%", then I should not do it.
The very nature of this sport demands 100% commitment All. The. Time. Bodybuilding is a science, and if all of the components (training, nutrition and rest) are not combined exactly right, it will show. If you are on-stage with another girl who looks almost identical to you, but whose lats are just slightly bigger, or who is just a bit leaner than you are.... judges can see that. Those extra reps that she did but you didn't do; the constant dips into peanut butter that you indulged in but she didn't...... will not go unnoticed. There is no such thing as "luck" in this sport. I'm sure most of you reading this will think this is crazy person talk and say that I'm an extremist lol. But go read one of Arnold Schwarzenegger's books, and you will soon see that this is just the tip of the iceberg haha.
I digress. I realized that I have not been fully committed to the process. The fact that I was even considering quitting serves as evidence of this. Sure, we all have moments of questioning, but not once in my last contest prep did I ever consider not finishing. And that's the difference. So I've made the decision not to do the UFE on May 14th. Instead, I'll be competing in the IDFA/SAF show here in Ottawa on July 16th. So I'm not so much "quitting" as I am just pushing things back.
I'm on strict instruction by Dave to stay at 125lbs until the end of April, when I will start dieting again. This will give me roughly two months to rest up, re-fuel my body, and refocus my mind to prepare for the contest prep. I think my biggest problem this time around has been lack of motivation. And not that all the reasons listed on my "Inspiration" page aren't enough.... but last time, I was out to prove something; I was out to prove to myself and to others that I could do this. Now, I already know I can do it - I have the trophies to prove it! So I'm really going to have to look inwards and ask myself why I want to do it again, what I have to gain from another competition, and what I'm doing this for. Then, I've just got to hold on to whatever those reasons are and let them carry me through until July.
My dad once told me that sometimes it can take more strength to stop doing something, than it does to start or continue doing it. I hope I haven't let anybody down in making this decision. But I'm fully confident that for me, it was the right decision to make.
So onwards and upwards to IDFA on July 16th! I'll continue posting even during my "down time" because, surprisingly, it's just as difficult to maintain one's weight as it is to lose it! This will also give me an opportunity to share some of my more creative workouts and meals with you all :)
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